A New Look English

                

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using "s" instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would reseive this news with joy. Then the hard, "c" could be replaced by "k" sinse both letters are pronounced alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerical workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome "ph" would henceforth be written "f." This would make words like "fotograf" twenty per sent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though no thing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptiv to steps sutsh as replasing "th" by "z." Perhaps zen ze funktion of "u" kould be taken on by "v", vitsh is, after al, half a "w." Shortly after zis, ze unesesary "o" kuld be droped from words kontaining "ou." Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventull hav a reli sensibl riten styl, after twenti yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.